Gothic femme postmodern ontology

I do find gothic style sexy. It's sexy and it expresses deep, dark feelings within us. It can also seem a bit ridiculous, insisting on dark expression in circumstances when modest friendliness or down-to-earth quotidian focus would seem more appropriate. Just kids dressing up to make an identity out of exaggerated angst? Maybe. But hold on to the goth within you, despite your sensible, unassuming social nature.

I've been enjoying another music video recommended on the Crossdream Life forum thread about music that stimulates crossdreaming.

It is by a gothic band called Sirenia. I don't follow contemporary rock, so please forgive my ignorance of them. I find the music palatable, but not really stimuating. But the female lead singer, Ailyn, is so sexy in this and other Sirenia videos.

What makes the video stimulating for crossdreamers is, I think, the way Ailyn appears to revel in her femininity. She uses her body, abetted by clothing and make-up, to express soft feelings in a lithe and sensual way (much of it is in the arms). Self-expression for her (as she appears within the video) is an orgy of delicate drama, an emotional self-assertion and self-caress. In the video scenario, it is not femininity in negotiation with a masculine other. Self expresses with a seemingly natural feminine vocabulary.

How I envy that self-expression through the sensual feminine. I perceive it not as a desired otherness, but a desired expression of selfness. I often do feel what Ailyn's appearance and movements communicate.

To me, male expression seems to have an inherent frigidity to it. There is a layer of self-control, a kind of deadness, in between internal feeling and external communication. (I don't like the intrusion  upon the femme world of the video of those gruff men in black thrashing away at their instruments.)

I love Ailyn's clothes, of course. Do I long to wear such clothes myself? Well, I wouldn't say no. Yet as someone who identifies as crossdreamer rather than crossdresser (of course one can be both crossdreamer and crossdresser, and I regard crossdressers with total sympathy-cum-empathy and respect), the dress in itself would feel like an outer coating clashing with what's inside it. Rather, I aim to foster a self-identity that is detached from external appearance.

The feeling I have tells me I am in some way like Ailyn, whether I wish to be or not. It does not feel like a warped desire to make love to her in a role affirming my male otherness to her lovely yet deep-resonating femininity.

I feel like Ailyn, therefore I am like Ailyn. Facilitated by the internet, such development of self-identity seems like a very major liberating step forward. With the world being what it is, changes in culture acknowledging this new potential will doubtless encounter obstacles. Yet the self can develop in protective immunity if needs be.