Farewell

I have decided to make this my final post.

Thank you to all my friends who gave me encouraging advice in comments on my previous post. I have decided, though, that I do not want to maintain a blog that gets increasingly neglected. Better, I think,  to come to a neat end, exactly a year after starting.

I am very sorry to disappoint whoever this disappoints. I do not intend to delete the blog, so if you really miss it you can always reread the old posts. I am still giving myself the freedom to resume, but it is not my intention to do so.

The reasons for stopping are, firstly, an intention to focus more on offline life; secondly, a sense of having run out of new things to say.

I owe the existence of the blog, and much more besides, to Jack Molay. It was through him that I discovered Ray Blanchard's concept of autogynephilia, and Jack's more sympathetic presentation of it as crossdreaming.    Here was something with which I could firmly identify, unlike 'transsexual' or 'crossdresser'. This inspired Mirror Sister. Jack's sterling efforts to promote awareness of crossdreaming and to support crossdreamers have been heroic. Bless you, Jack. xxx

At first my writing here was a means of developing my own awareness of my sexuality and gender. As such it served a very important function in my life. As the blog got more popular, I became less easy about writing about very personal issues. As I said at the beginning, it was not my intention to get into either erotica or trans politics (although see my previous post for some broad political sentiments), so it was uncertain where the blog could go. What I tended to do was to celebrate trans, to do a very little to counterbalance all the angst and the acrimony. I still think that there is something rather wonderful about trans - a triumph of internal convictions over oppressive social conditioning.

Trans bloggers who are belligerent and arrogantly opinionated make me angry. Most trans bloggers, though, are bravely honest in a way that helps their readers, and kind and eager to support other trans people. This is great.

As well as Jack, I would like to thank particularly Halle and Calie at T-Central, and all my friendly commenters, especially Jonathan, my most loyal supporter. And thanks to all followers and readers.

Here's to all trans people everywhere, past, present and future!

My love to you all,
Deborah xxxx


P.S. But see Deborah Descends.

Thoughts

I am wondering whether Mirror Sister has run its course. Maybe it has, maybe it hasn't. I am currently feeling less inclination to write. Maybe I've said everything I've wanted to. To be honest, I find awareness of an audience quite restraining, since I want to please, not disappoint, my readers, and this obviously conflicts with free and honest self-expression. But I am flattered by having readers at all. Thank you all, and thank you to all my friendly commenters especially.

I probably won't go without saying a proper goodbye. And maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow, and start posting regularly again.

I have avoided getting drawn into trans politics and theory here, as I don't enjoy the antagonism, or think of it as helpful to anybody. Nevertheless, I do have some thoughts. Here they are:

I believe in trans liberation for all. Everyone should be free from rigid gender conditioning. In a sense, everyone is transgender, as no one really fits the orthodox gender character to which we are expected to conform.

The above is not to dismiss any scientific evidence about different kinds of brain, or to accept any postmodern dogma that denies realities behind 'signs' and 'peformance'. The arguments about what causes trans feelings are very complicated; it is best to acknowledge that we don't know for sure. The debate is not best pursued by abrasive bloggers with axes to grind and fixed positions to defend.

We should accept that the actual truth might not be what we would like to believe. We should not confuse those who sincerely believe in theories whose conclusions we don't like with those who use such theories to deliberately attack us.

Rather than fight over scientific/philosophical truth, it is better for us to respect others' choice of beliefs about themselves.

Different people will respond to trans liberation in different ways, and to different extents. To employ an analogy, one can understand vegans disdaining people who decide be vegetarian one day a week, but such disdain, as well as being simply unkind, is not helpful to the cause, and might antagonise those who respect and maybe admire vegans, and may gradually increase their commitment to vegetarianism. Some people find it too dangerous to climb the highest mountain, other just don't want to. If you've climbed that mountain yourself and are glad you have done, you can celebrate your achievement without condemning those who haven't achieved as much.

Sexuality is a very important part of life, and it is closely connected to gender. It is not surprising if new trans freedoms influence sexuality, in an exciting and liberating way. This is neither wrong nor trivial.

We shouldn't think in terms of debating where to draw the line between authentic trans folk and worthless 'perverts'. Everyone has a right to their own gender identification and sexuality, a right to enjoy community, free speech and respect. This includes crossdreamers, transsexuals, heterosexuals, fetishists, autoeroticists and lots of others.

In short, lets be nice to each other.

Proud parents

Headmaster: I've called you into my study today because I have some special news for you about your child, which I wanted to tell you in person. I know it is going to make you feel very excited and proud.

Mr and Mrs: Yes?

H: We've been observing your child's attitudes and behaviour for a while. Well, we haven't come to this conclusion lightly, I can tell you, but, hard as it might be to believe, we are now of the confirmed opinion that your child is trans.

Mrs: No!

Mr: Really? Can it be true?

H: Yes, we're certain.

Mrs: Oh my, oh my !

Mr: I can't believe it!

Mrs: Aw, I'm so proud!

Mr: That's just wonderful!

H: You child is truly special.

Mrs: Aw, fantastic!

Mr: So are we allowed to call him 'she'?

H: You certainly are.

Mrs: And has she given herself a female name?

H: Yes, it's Deborah.

Mr: Oh, that's a nice name.

Mrs: Oh, I'm so thrilled to have a girl!

H: Remember, though, she is not just an ordinary girl, she's more special than that: Deborah is a t-girl.

Mr: Wow!

H: T-girls and t-boys have a really special place in our society. They can educate us all about gender.

Mrs: And to think, we're just such an ordinary couple.

Mr: Maybe Deborah inherited some trans from us!

Mrs: Surely not?

Mr: Well, let's not flatter ourselves, but it's a nice thought at least.

Femininity, creativity, sunshine

The sun is shining. There is no breeze, few clouds in the sky.

I want to walk barefoot on the grass.

I want to be Deborah out in the sunshine, not stuck inside a computer.

I want my femininity to feel as natural as the sunshine.

Much threatens to crowd out the sunshine. If I read the news, turn on the televsion, the negativity of life as we are living it collectively will encroach.

I shall take my book The New Diary by Tristine Rainer with me. Introspective writing can feel like something more than protection; like an extra level that raises reality above the grotty quotidian. Perhaps like meditation. Anais Nin: 'The personal life lived deeply always expands into truths beyond itself.'

The boy who would be queen

I strongly empathise with the description at the top of Halle's blog: 'scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive boy who often thought he should have been a girl'.

For me the most moving aspect of my trans re-identification is reflecting on my past, especially my childhood, in this new light.

My schools were all-boys schools (or so they thought!). But everywhere, though, boys are brought up to be masculine and sexist. The brutality is considered to be a proper and correct part of the conditioning in masculinity. Not only did I - like all the others - suffer brutality, not only was I brought up to express a masculinity which didn't come naturally at all, but I was taught to despise the femininity which did - or at least would have - come more naturally to me. We were taught to disdain, yet lust for, femininity in girls, but more strongly we were taught to loathe femininity in boys. Imagine how that felt for a nascent t-girl (well, you probably remember yourself).

I cry on behalf of my repressed young girl-boy self.

It could have been different, couldn't it? There could have been trans clubs at school, with no more stigma attached to them than to chess clubs or tennis clubs. It could have been cool, like playing electric guitar or riding a motor-bike.

I feel angry on behalf of my repressed young girl-boy self. I turn round in defiance of their mockery, proclaiming:

'Yes! I am a princess, a queen (royalty), a fairy (flying freely, possessing magical powers), a pansy (a particularly beautiful flower, I think), a girl (as those you lust after). I am proud to be this, and I am loving it! Keep your horrible butch games, your tight competitiveness, your arrogance, your grossness, your lumpen insensitivity, yo yourselves - I'm off with the girlies, where it's just beautiful. Byeee!! (Oh, you secretly want to join me? Well, well, well....)'

Queen screams against war

To continue with the theme of masculinity and badness: I have been reading about war. I want to shudder, nay I want to scream, scream, scream.

Oh, the awful, awful, awfulness of this horrible, horrible mass violence. Destruction, mutilation, and killing - bringing whole lives to a complete end - are the very essence of war.

It seems to be a central practice in our species' culture.

What a ghastly way to settle a dispute. And mostly it is just done for the sake of 'patriotism', or just because of the power-lust of a head of state.

I am not arguing for pacifism. I am not saying one should never kill an aggressor in order to defend innocent lives. I am just aghast at a culture that accepts and even glorifies war, that doesn't scream 'Ye Gods! This is awful! awful! awful!'

So where do I stand? What do I do? One screaming queen amidst it all (or safely to the side of it - for now).

I feel both useless and defiant.

I am just not one for anti-war activism. Anti-war activism often takes on quite a military character, albeit - crucially of course - without the mass violence. Critical qualities are courage, determination to harm the enemy, tactical skill,  practical ability at specific, often quite belligerent, tasks, perhaps a lust for action, perhaps a competitive edge.

I am no good at any of that.

I want to respond to war by putting on make-up and wearing a slinky skirt.

The pink battalion - it's useless but it's pretty.

I refuse to endorse masculine military values. This makes me useless in the resistance against war (to be honest I'd be pretty useless at fighting even if I did endorse them - does this undermine my position?), but it's still a kind of refusal.

So I am not unaware of the context of the horrors of humanity as I apply my mascara. I am not too narcissistic to notice or care.

I'd rather be a screaming queen than a slaughtering soldier. Given the values with which boys are brought up, this seems quite a radical attitude.

Masculinity and thoughtfulness

'You are welcome to have a beer, and you are equally welcome to have a soft drink. I appreciate that different people like different things, and people like different things at different times.'

'Lets not drink alcohol. It encourages gross and sometimes harmful behaviour. It doesn't make its drinkers  as happy as many like to claim. One can enjoy oneself pleasantly without it.'

'I don't give a shit about who wins the sports match. There are so many more important and interesting things in the world to care about.'

'Lets watch a film that communicates sensitive feelings, rather  than one in which people shoot each other.'

 'Lets not make a competition of this. It's much more relaxed when there is no competing, and no competition means no one has the bad feelings caused by losing.'

All the above sentiments seem rational to me. Is this because I am really a girl?