The boy who would be queen

I strongly empathise with the description at the top of Halle's blog: 'scatterings of ideas sent to my younger self, a sensitive boy who often thought he should have been a girl'.

For me the most moving aspect of my trans re-identification is reflecting on my past, especially my childhood, in this new light.

My schools were all-boys schools (or so they thought!). But everywhere, though, boys are brought up to be masculine and sexist. The brutality is considered to be a proper and correct part of the conditioning in masculinity. Not only did I - like all the others - suffer brutality, not only was I brought up to express a masculinity which didn't come naturally at all, but I was taught to despise the femininity which did - or at least would have - come more naturally to me. We were taught to disdain, yet lust for, femininity in girls, but more strongly we were taught to loathe femininity in boys. Imagine how that felt for a nascent t-girl (well, you probably remember yourself).

I cry on behalf of my repressed young girl-boy self.

It could have been different, couldn't it? There could have been trans clubs at school, with no more stigma attached to them than to chess clubs or tennis clubs. It could have been cool, like playing electric guitar or riding a motor-bike.

I feel angry on behalf of my repressed young girl-boy self. I turn round in defiance of their mockery, proclaiming:

'Yes! I am a princess, a queen (royalty), a fairy (flying freely, possessing magical powers), a pansy (a particularly beautiful flower, I think), a girl (as those you lust after). I am proud to be this, and I am loving it! Keep your horrible butch games, your tight competitiveness, your arrogance, your grossness, your lumpen insensitivity, yo yourselves - I'm off with the girlies, where it's just beautiful. Byeee!! (Oh, you secretly want to join me? Well, well, well....)'