You are who you are

The famous song 'I Am Who I Am', in its original drag queen context, derives much of its power from the subtle irony of it being partly an overt contradiction - drag queens are not really what they appear, they are biogically male. They are representing themselves as what they are biologically not, disguising what they biogically are. It's in this context that the song asserts that the greater truth is that the drag queen is being who they are at a deeper level: a woman, or at least a crossdresser who expresses themselves authentically through wearing female clothing.

In crossdressing this tension between inner female and outer male is overt. It can be a thrilling tension, and  the victory of the inner female can be a wonderful triumph.

Crossdreamers evade that tension simply by leaving their biological body behind as female identity is assumed (or the opposite for ftms, of course). As a private resituating of one's identity fully within one's interior world this requires strong conviction not to seem a forlorn flight into fantasy. But what changes the whole nature of crossdreaming is surely the internet. Could crossdreaming identity and culture have developed without it (apart from being exploited by cynical porn merchants)? I don't think so.

This might seem old-hat and elementary theory to some, but the enormity of the implications of cyber-lives and cyber-identities is really something to ponder. It changes not only public/private divisions, but the very terms on which self relates to other - the existential fundamental. (By the way, I'm going to relieve my head of this heavy philosophising by looking at some sexy captions soon.)

For me personally right now this liberating opening of new social territory feels very exciting.

I don't expect anyone who knows me through seeing me in my male body to think of me as female.

Online though...

I picture the trans bloggers and the contributors to the Crossdream Life forum as their avatars. I assert that they are their avatars, for they have chosen their visual representation, whereas they didn't choose their physical bodies. The part of them that selected the avatar is their deeper identity.

You are your avatar.

And if it's true for others, then it must be true for me too. I am my avatar.

So thanks to John Waterhouse for selecting me as the model for his painting Ophelia.